you couldn't kick jokesyou couldn't kick jokes

A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. If youre cooler than me, would that make me hotter than you?, 12. I was involved in very organised crime. Milton Jones, I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper dicing with death. Tim Vine. Men are like Blackberries. .FIYolDqalszTnjjNfThfT{max-width:256px;white-space:normal;text-align:center} Its from Uncle Ben. ._3bX7W3J0lU78fp7cayvNxx{max-width:208px;text-align:center} Check out the funniest comedies on Netflix Canada right now. What do you say I just buy the necklace and we forget this ever happened? The manager agrees and writes up a sales slip. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west! Rodney Dangerfield. Do you own a doghouse? ' @woodyluvscoffee. Wow, this bed is big!. Did You Know Anxiety Can Enhance Our Relationships? Jim nervously mimicked her. This was because he wanted to make sure that their knee-caps were alright! Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D., is an assistant clinical professor in Northwestern Universitys Master of Science in Marriage and Family Therapy program. [Read: 19 life quotes to motivate you to live a better life], 23. Well done, you managed to deliver the perfect insult or smartass line. My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. I took that as my cue to outline my expanded role, and listed my actions and achievements. @dadsaysjokes, If I were Maria in The Sound of Music and I heard them sing How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria at my wedding, I would be like, Why are you singing that mean song about me, and why do all of you know it? The air is so fresh it smells like flowers. Stop! cries the second cockroach. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes The first one is on the house. Tim Vine. Uncle Ben has died. That evening, he decides to go out. I never knew my real ladder. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? I told the Inland Revenue I dont owe them a penny. Dont miss this roundup of thefunniest one-liners on the Internet. .Rd5g7JmL4Fdk-aZi1-U_V{transition:all .1s linear 0s}._2TMXtA984ePtHXMkOpHNQm{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px;margin-bottom:4px}.CneW1mCG4WJXxJbZl5tzH{border-top:1px solid var(--newRedditTheme-line);margin-top:16px;padding-top:16px}._11ARF4IQO4h3HeKPpPg0xb{transition:all .1s linear 0s;display:none;fill:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);height:16px;width:16px;vertical-align:middle;margin-bottom:2px;margin-left:4px;cursor:pointer}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B:hover ._11ARF4IQO4h3HeKPpPg0xb{display:inline-block}._2IvhQwkgv_7K0Q3R0695Cs{border-radius:4px;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line)}._2IvhQwkgv_7K0Q3R0695Cs:focus{outline:none}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B{transition:all .1s linear 0s;border-radius:4px;border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line)}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B:focus{outline:none}._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B.IeceazVNz_gGZfKXub0ak,._1I3N-uBrbZH-ywcmCnwv_B:hover{border:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._35hmSCjPO8OEezK36eUXpk._35hmSCjPO8OEezK36eUXpk._35hmSCjPO8OEezK36eUXpk{margin-top:25px;left:-9px}._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP,._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP:focus-within,._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP._3aEIeAgUy9VfJyRPljMNJP:hover{transition:all .1s linear 0s;border:none;padding:8px 8px 0}._25yWxLGH4C6j26OKFx8kD5{display:inline}._2YsVWIEj0doZMxreeY6iDG{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText);display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;padding:4px 6px}._1hFCAcL4_gkyWN0KM96zgg{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);margin-right:8px;margin-left:auto;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-errorText)}._1hFCAcL4_gkyWN0KM96zgg,._1dF0IdghIrnqkJiUxfswxd{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;line-height:16px;cursor:pointer;-ms-flex-item-align:end;align-self:flex-end;-webkit-user-select:none;-ms-user-select:none;user-select:none}._1dF0IdghIrnqkJiUxfswxd{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button)}._3VGrhUu842I3acqBMCoSAq{font-weight:700;color:#ff4500;text-transform:uppercase;margin-right:4px}._3VGrhUu842I3acqBMCoSAq,.edyFgPHILhf5OLH2vk-tk{font-size:12px;line-height:16px}.edyFgPHILhf5OLH2vk-tk{font-weight:400;-ms-flex-preferred-size:100%;flex-basis:100%;margin-bottom:4px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText)}._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX{margin-top:6px}._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._19lMIGqzfTPVY3ssqTiZSX._3MAHaXXXXi9Xrmc_oMPTdP{margin-top:4px} Yes, I said. Could I have a few words with George?Submitted by David Miteff, An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. What can I do?, The operator says, Calm down. I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. We missed the R!, Father! cries the young monk. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. Peter Kay. Nurse: When? With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Breathing. [Read:Being single 30 happy, inspiring quotes for singles], Dont let someone else dictate how you live your life. That cushion softens the blow when the inevitable bad stuff hits: misunderstanding, frustration, and disconnection. Dont miss this collection of the best knock knock jokes for kids. Thanks to them, it's easier than ever to memorize one or two quips to fill those awkward silences at your next backyard barbecue. ' Tim Vine, My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. Whats the matter? the psychiatrist asked. A talking clock? George ignored her and walked away. A mother asks her young sons what they want for breakfast. @keyframes ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5{0%{transform:rotate(0deg)}to{transform:rotate(1turn)}}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq{--sizePx:0;font-size:4px;position:relative;text-indent:-9999em;border-radius:50%;border:4px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyTextAlpha20);border-left-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);transform:translateZ(0);animation:ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5 1.1s linear infinite}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq,._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{width:var(--sizePx);height:var(--sizePx)}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{border-radius:50%}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq._2qr28EeyPvBWAsPKl-KuWN{margin:0 auto} Finally, after wed seen all 20 poses, he asked me which ones I was most interested in. Reproduction without explicit permission is prohibited. 3.. We dont serve your type! shouts the barman. Amazing! the man says. But they were fully booked. 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes He tells the priest that on Friday night, hed been in the bar when he met a young woman. Hello, said the agent, Im looking for a man called Murphy., Well youre in luck, said the farmer. Dont miss this roundup of the Canadian comedians to watch out forand their best jokes. and the one on the right is where I go to church., The man sneers, Thats the church I used to attend!, Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing., Theres a simple test you can run to see how bad the problem is: Start out 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone say something and see if she hears you. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. He downs it, leaps off the roofand plummets 15 stories to the ground. My computer's got the Miley virus. If anything, it made him more sluggish. Ye gads, matey, says Morty. In reference to someone's accuracy with a gun. Dont miss these physics jokes that every science nerd will love. If youre going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty. -Marilyn Monroe, 38. What did the left eye say to the right eye? I was always told it was piss in the boot. If you laugh at these dark jokes, youre probably a genius. [Read: Backhanded compliment How to react kindly or give back in kind]. ._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ{border-top:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-lineColor);margin-top:16px;padding-top:16px}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN{margin:0;padding:0}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:21px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;margin:8px 0}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ.QgBK4ECuqpeR2umRjYcP2{opacity:.4}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ label{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._2NbKFI9n3wPM76pgfAPEsN ._2btz68cXFBI3RWcfSNwbmJ label svg{fill:currentColor;height:20px;margin-right:4px;width:20px;-ms-flex:0 0 auto;flex:0 0 auto}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._4OtOUaGIjjp2cNJMUxme_{-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between}._3Qx5bBCG_O8wVZee9J-KyJ ._4OtOUaGIjjp2cNJMUxme_ svg{display:inline-block;height:12px;width:12px}._2b2iJtPCDQ6eKanYDf3Jho{-ms-flex:0 0 auto;flex:0 0 auto}._4OtOUaGIjjp2cNJMUxme_{padding:0 12px}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:12px;letter-spacing:unset;line-height:16px;text-transform:unset;--textColor:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor);--textColorHover:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColorShaded80);font-size:10px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.5px;line-height:12px;text-transform:uppercase;color:var(--textColor);fill:var(--textColor);opacity:1}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F._2UlgIO1LIFVpT30ItAtPfb{--textColor:var(--newRedditTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor);--textColorHover:var(--newRedditTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColorShaded80)}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F:active,._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F:hover{color:var(--textColorHover);fill:var(--textColorHover)}._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F:disabled,._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F[data-disabled],._1ra1vBLrjtHjhYDZ_gOy8F[disabled]{opacity:.5;cursor:not-allowed}._3a4fkgD25f5G-b0Y8wVIBe{margin-right:8px} These smartass quotes about breakups are sure to help you out. r/AskReddit is the place to ask and answer thought-provoking questions. Submitted byLucinda Rajaselvan, The police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing over a lifeless man, holding a bent and twisted five-iron. Give me my scotch! The flight attendant rushes over with their drinks. Never trust atoms. Why did the orthopedic doctor always put hats on the knees of his patients? Is it true, she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life? Yes, Im afraid so, said the doctor. When I feel down and someone tells me to suck it up, I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and then say walk it off.. 7. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. "couldn't organise a "? - Google Groups You couldn't hit a lake if you were standing at the bottom. There are no fish under the ice! He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. He doesnt look at all dangerous to me. He needed a little space. Whats that big brass gong for? asked the friend. Im addicted to Twitter! The doctor replies, Sorry, Im not following you.. My life is a mess, he says. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. So how do we know if theyre grizzly bear droppings? asks one of the ramblers. But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm, he complained. A man was stranded on a desert island for 20 years when a navy ship finally spots him. Submitted by Paul Lewis, I think my goldfish has seizures, a man tells the veterinarian. The good stuff includes deep conversations, fun times together, laughter, and play. We went back to her place and made passionate love for hours., The priest pauses. Well! responds the friend. Submitted by Greg Madden. The older sister paused, then said, Spell mosquito. Smartass quotes. He got out three times to go to the bathroom., When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.Henry Youngman, A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. Why? Student: A drinking problem. Try giving them one of these funny compliments! Mom: Where buy chicken Daughter: Mom, this isnt Google. Good Comebacks, Roasts, & Burns: Best 99+ You Need To Know - Humoropedia Submitted by D.T. Daddy! Thats Mums side.. My Grandmother's favorite saying was actually a song. 4 / 20. I approached the speaker and placed my order: a Big Mac, large fries and a chocolate shake. ._12xlue8dQ1odPw1J81FIGQ{display:inline-block;vertical-align:middle} I bought the worlds worst thesaurus yesterday. Let her spell small animals, not big ones, said her mom. *Results not guaranteed. "Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. Three girls walked up to me saying they were too scared to walk in the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk with me. Well-dressed, with a flower pinned to his lapel, he cut a suave figure. I love this saying: An intimate relationship is improved by the two or three things we dont say each day. Thats him, comes the reply. A Hollywood producer calls his friend, another Hollywood producer, on the phone. Ten years go by and its one monks first chance. "A thief broke into the police headquarters during the night and took all the toilets. Did you hit him with the golf club? Yes, I did, sobs the woman. Conjunctivitis.com thats a site for sore eyes. Tim Vine. As he tried to catch his breath, the passenger said, Im sorry I gave you a joltit was my fault. No, it was mine, the driver said. Now hes the village blacksmith. So whats the most effective way to get out your frustrations while still coming off like the lovable stud/studette that you are? Youre drunk.. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. A priest is driving along a country road when a trooper pulls him over. .c_dVyWK3BXRxSN3ULLJ_t{border-radius:4px 4px 0 0;height:34px;left:0;position:absolute;right:0;top:0}._1OQL3FCA9BfgI57ghHHgV3{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:start;justify-content:flex-start;margin-top:32px}._1OQL3FCA9BfgI57ghHHgV3 ._33jgwegeMTJ-FJaaHMeOjV{border-radius:9001px;height:32px;width:32px}._1OQL3FCA9BfgI57ghHHgV3 ._1wQQNkVR4qNpQCzA19X4B6{height:16px;margin-left:8px;width:200px}._39IvqNe6cqNVXcMFxFWFxx{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin:12px 0}._39IvqNe6cqNVXcMFxFWFxx ._29TSdL_ZMpyzfQ_bfdcBSc{-ms-flex:1;flex:1}._39IvqNe6cqNVXcMFxFWFxx .JEV9fXVlt_7DgH-zLepBH{height:18px;width:50px}._39IvqNe6cqNVXcMFxFWFxx ._3YCOmnWpGeRBW_Psd5WMPR{height:12px;margin-top:4px;width:60px}._2iO5zt81CSiYhWRF9WylyN{height:18px;margin-bottom:4px}._2iO5zt81CSiYhWRF9WylyN._2E9u5XvlGwlpnzki78vasG{width:230px}._2iO5zt81CSiYhWRF9WylyN.fDElwzn43eJToKzSCkejE{width:100%}._2iO5zt81CSiYhWRF9WylyN._2kNB7LAYYqYdyS85f8pqfi{width:250px}._2iO5zt81CSiYhWRF9WylyN._1XmngqAPKZO_1lDBwcQrR7{width:120px}._3XbVvl-zJDbcDeEdSgxV4_{border-radius:4px;height:32px;margin-top:16px;width:100%}._2hgXdc8jVQaXYAXvnqEyED{animation:_3XkHjK4wMgxtjzC1TvoXrb 1.5s ease infinite;background:linear-gradient(90deg,var(--newCommunityTheme-field),var(--newCommunityTheme-inactive),var(--newCommunityTheme-field));background-size:200%}._1KWSZXqSM_BLhBzkPyJFGR{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetBackgroundColor);border-radius:4px;padding:12px;position:relative;width:auto} I turned to a man who had been waiting alongside me the whole time and said, Sir, how long have you been waiting?, He looked at his watch and said, Since last year. Misir Doobay, Toronto. A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, Brown bears are usually harmless. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. Sharri82 5 yr. ago. He said, I want you to trace someone for me. Funny Husband Wife Joke Gift - 11 OZ Coffee Mug. Darlin.You're hotter than donut grease at a fat man convention. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. I asked him, Whats the word on the street?. You can only stalk them and hope for the best. [Read:55 funny quotes about love and all its complications], 6. You think Im cute when Im angry? When the Tooth fairy comes to your house she takes your tooth and gives you money. I hate Russian dolls so full of themselves! He never lets me forget that. Especially if youve got hay fever. Milton Jones. During one visit, we were both busy with this task when the phone rang. Ah, yes, the doctor said when Norm explained what had happened to him. Five, six, maybe seven times. 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes Submitted by Terry Sangster. He looked at all the rings on my fingers, then exclaimed, You must have had a lot of husbands! Submitted by Esther Dawson, Me: I brought some books for us to read. Whether its the swift one-liners of Tim Vine or Milton Jones, or a more traditionally structured joke, these quick-fire quips will have your friends rolling around on the floor. Submitted by Jennifer Estlin, Moved by the church service, the richest man in town stood up and addressed the congregation. 24 Funny One-Liners to Tell at Parties - LiveAbout Its a talking clock, the drunk replied. Thesehilarious school storiesare guaranteed to give you a laugh. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. While rummaging through the boats provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. Submitted by Christina Melton, I wouldnt want to fly Virgin. Submitted by Craig Sharf, The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize youre not in shape for it, its too far to walk back. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist climbed to the top of the pile, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands. Those are the umlauts.Submitted by David Wong, While going through his deceased fathers things, a man found a 25-year-old claim stub for a shoe repair. It never really took off. Milton Jones, Recently I went on a ballooning holiday I put on four stone! Milton Jones. Im in your driveway., 47. The best way to make a serious impact with a smartass quote is to deliver it, turn on your heel, and walk away. Hes only got little legs. Friend making bad life choices? A month after Donald MacDonald started at Harvard, his mother called from Scotland. 101 Good, Clean Jokes That'll Make You Laugh Your Pants Off What did you write in the ad? his wife asks. Literally nothing is rhombus shaped. ._3oeM4kc-2-4z-A0RTQLg0I{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between} ' Tim Vine, I have kleptomania. '", "Why did the old woman fall into the well? The landlady answers. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket? Crocker, you are just fine!. It can be a potent form of flirtation and seduction. 15. The day before both NBC and Fox confirmed she would not be making a return to the networks, Tamron Hall and Soledad O'Brien couldn't help but make a jibe at Megyn Kelly in New York. Violators will be extracted. Submitted by Helen McNair, My father-in-law, Paul, lives on a farm near Wynyard, Saskatchewan. While the professor was impressed with my work, she said she had deducted a few marks for a spelling error. When tea was served, the Queen removed her cup from her saucer. 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips This is one of the times in life when you should keep a straight face. Father asks him, So, you were at school today, right? Son: Yeah. Detector: Beep. Son: OK, OK, I was at the movies. Detector: Beep. Son: Alright, I went for a beer with my friends. Father: What?! 101 Short Jokes Anyone Can Remember | Reader's Digest Selling doors, door-to-door. Bill Bailey. 71. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick. Now, congratulate yourself by all means but do it silently. An impasta. Well, said her husband to the shaken pastor when all the commotion ending, shes there.Submitted by Norm Schmitz, One friend complains to another, All my husband and I do any more is fight. As a result, while in uniform, Im often mistaken for a flight attendant, a ticket agent, or even a snack bar employee. Don't be the person to initiate that. Teasing in and of itself is not always negativein fact, in many circumstances, it is wonderful. It's my first time too. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. Submitted by James Hewitt, Marriage is just two people taking turns mashing the trash down in the hopes the other one folds first and empties the bin. Months? Couldn't organise a two-man rush on a three-hole shithouse. [Read: 60 creative insults to intellectually insult someone with sarcasm and leave everyone around laughing]. Whenever we'd start talking and she didn't want to hear it she would sing, "Oh the monkey wrapped his tail around the flag pole, to wipe his butt hole, and see the world! You could break a ball bearing with a rubber mallet. Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. From the next room over, my dad yelled, Shes money laundering!Submitted by Shinae Hartley, A farmer sees a chicken strutting across a rural highway. Thats why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.Dick Gregory, Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie. What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Get to know these funny jokes for National Tell a Joke Day! She then reassured him by adding, Now, if you do everything Ive told you, you wont be with us for long.. Everyone loves a smartass, whether they want to admit it or not. My four-year-old grandson loves picking dandelions, placing them in a glass of water and presenting then to his mom. No more Mr Rice Guy. Tim Vine, My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements. I figured her sister must also be in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why. 2021 Associated Newspapers Limited. I live by the seaside. Ken Dodd. These funny animal pictures are sure to crack you up! Thanks for pretending not to see me when I was pretending not to see you in order to avoid a miserably awkward conversation that neither of us wanted to have., 25. These breads puns will come in handy the next time you feel like loafing around. He bit himself. 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding Keep these funny holiday jokes in mind for your next party! Again, the bird gives the crew grief for being slow and the businessman joins in, Yeah, the service stinks! Just then, the flight attendant grabs the pair, opens the hatch and throws them out of the plane.
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