He left me a voicemail last sat that just stunned me. These people are practicing these things willfully and maliciously. Thanks. Is it ok to remember a person who has caused us terrible harm w anger? I would never ever let someone treat my child with disrespect or disregard. I felt wrongly safe in that I saw the way he was with women, and like you I found it was so excessive and crazy that it couldnt be serious, that it was an act to draw attention, that he was just being playful and enjoyed seeing my shocked/blushing faces, etc. Lose valuable and enriching connections with others. Sending love and hugs your way. I can be a little OCD about stuff but I am determined 2 never let him close enough 2 hurt me again so I am NC for life w/him. Lavender, If youre struggling, try thinking of the STDs he may be carrying around with him. Why Hints Are Clues To What's Really Up With Your Relationship. Im also afraid of my friendship with the new guy becasue i am vulnerable (although I have never not been vulnerable) and I dont want to get myself in another situation like with the ex and I feel by being with him it makes me more frustrated since hes not the right guy but i could trick myself into being with him. It's about caring enough about myself to not make myself a doormat ever again, and using the pain as motivation. To her forgiveness meant her saying sorry (actually shouting at me, Im sorry, okay? Even knowing that wasnt enough for me, I apparently needed a hefty dose of agonizing pain before I finally had my fill and got burned so bad Ill never want to be in that pit again. Sorta-slow-fade. You speak your mind and I appreciate this about your posts. Not doing it! If you struggle with finding forgiveness, you might: Forgiveness is a commitment to change. This was a constant fight when we were a couple and one of the reasons I kept breaking it off with him. FLUSH. I told her she was already forgiven but that I still was leaving and wouldnt stay as a guest of someone who thinks that them being annoyed means they can slap me. Frontiers in Psychology. Even then, people have to deal with the natural consequences of their actions, even when they are forgiven. The only reason he wants to contact you is to make HIMSELF feel better. Im sure even though you may not be Christian, if you practice or still value the Native American doctrines there are bound to be some similar beliefs. information submitted for this request. Rakel D, ed. Thats the tricky part. I think its important to do what YOU want for once, rather than letting the guilt stop you from moving on. Boundary or grudge setting boundaries will get pushback When you share your feelings and your legitimate feelings make another person defensive, you are not being blamed for holding a grudge. The thing is, And what Ive learned I dont want any part of a negative past back in my life. Courtney,If I read CC right, big bang nerdy guy is not the bad guy here. information and will only use or disclose that information as set forth in our notice of So I relented. He told me i would fall to pieces if he left, and I feared that he might be right. These wounds can leave lasting feelings of resentment, bitterness and anger sometimes even hatred. endstream
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Getting my head down and Trying To Do The Right Thing wasnt a lot of fun (not that I always did), but looking back over it it was probably the quickest and cleanest way through. I think Ive been too polite and nice with all this. Grudges can go from being minor (sibling rivalry, healthy competition) to borderline dangerous (thoughts of harming someone or seeing their demise in some way). What if? Trauma refers to your physical and emotional response to experiencing harm or violation. Smart, intelligent, attractive constantly seducing women. Sometimes I honestly think that there is a type of person who gets abused and I was just one of those but she showed us that there is no such thing, anyone can be a victim. I am still angry and annoyed and want revenge, but thats just not going to happen or help. Just clarifying my thoughts! 4th ed. Fewer symptoms of depression. dcd568so sorry for your pain. But it took that, and a revelation of a year old affair that he confessed to that finally made me step away.But I did it with emails seeking validation to which he replied saying sorry, but did not stop keeping in touch and hanging out everyday with 2 of my friends, one of them a woman. But I did. I hope we all reach this state and continue NC (and if we fall off, get right back on). But if theyre not, theres probably nothing to be gained from letting them carry on reaping the rewards of being unrepetent on you. Tinkerbell People date those they work with, who go to the same church, the same college, friends of friends, and neighbours. Lessons were learned & I am working on me & my EU tendencies which have been there since childhood I am guessing. This the man Ive been there for who has been very depressed. "The feeling that causes you to want to back out is likely a resentment lurking beneath the surface. Looking into the reasons why forgiving is not easy. Having to go somewhat underground, watching my back, getting legal involved and emotionally bottoming out. I love this site, and you rock, ladies! And I didnt. It has been found difficult and left untried. If it were easy, everyone would be one, ya know? I believe that any credible christian teacher would say its absolutely fine for you to draw a line under this and cut contact. but a lot of whether or not you feel forgiving comes down to whats happened that day, what youve eaten, your hormones and all manner of things that you cant do a lot about. You do not want to go back to that way of life for nothing, because you know the damage it caused. Not that youre planning to be persuaded by him, but remember his wanting to be friends is code for sex. I feel mean standing in my boundaries and yet I also feel empowered thats a new feeling for me. Forgiveness is an act of faith. Yep, if he cuts our program, I dont have to forgive him either. Grudges prevent someone from moving on from past wrongdoings. When I talk to people who struggle with walking away and staying away and who keep getting their fingers burned, there can often be this fear of appearing to hold a grudge. Seriously! I do still have thoughts of having a final dinner with him someday, though What is wrong with me?!! But we really need to forgive ourselves. Keep strong, dont rethink anything. My point is that we have instincts we must follow whether it is about the guy or about our ability to be within the relationship or both. I finally learned the lesson that I should of learned then. Maybe they made fun of your favorite outfit, (metaphorically) threw you under the bus at work, or bullied you at school. It takes time and effort and SPACE (emotional space) to look at our relationship patterns so as to eventually be able and willing to have an honest conversation with ourselves. Good people should allow a person to have as many chances as they ask for and when our typical mode is people pleaser who worries too much about what everyone else thinks and silences their true self to follow shoulds laid down by the inner critic, we go against ourselves. When the anger, blame, shame and resentment dictates and we cant shake it off because were caught between a rock and a hard place that on one hand says, For fecks sake! Link in bio. privacy practices. so sad. Sad but true. The problem isnt dating a neighbour, its the stalking. I am thinking he cheated on me and still has someone in his life and that is why he is not contacting me. I forgive him for being the way he is, for how he feels and for how he behaves. Can this still apply if you have children with your ex? So you do. But often the most challenging aspect of getting hurt is letting go of any lingering resentment after you forgive them. Ive dated many abusers and narcissists in the past who have said awful things to me and I recycle them in my head all the time regardless of how long ago it was. His reset button approach was oh, so, polite and made me crazy, though. I am an intelligent professional woman-why cant I just forget this an move on. At first I thought he just couldnt help himself, it was just his way of relating to people, and he was so sweet and warm that it was no wonder he was universally well-liked, especially by women. I realized after I posted my comment that, while trying to keep the off-topic meanderings to a minimum, I left out some thoughts that might clarify what I meant. LavendarHow many adult men do you know who brag about bedding sluts and loose women but in reality respect/like women and are monogamous and faithful? For some reason young women feel they have to tell the jerk how hurt they are by what he did. Clearly this made me out to seem bitter/sour whatever to some..and I am bearing the brunt of it as far people who I thought were loyal friends were concerned. If you havent, it may be something helpful in the healing process. Not only that, but you can find yourself taking advantage of any opportunity to let your voice be heard. My sister said well, call herShe said, I did. We can remember without ill will. As a result, choosing men with different faces, names, but always recreating patterns of familiar childhood abuse. Holding a grudge likely doesn't make you feel any better about what transpired, but sometimes it just happens. I am very up front with him too. Tinkerbell- I read your post yesterday, unsure how to reply as I havent been in your shoes. Youre stronger than you think!!! Hes very good at what he does and I admire that, so I figured he was a good guy, which I know isnt always true. I believe moving onto the next guy is a way to avoid this and has the potential to keep you stuck, not to mention that it is not respectful to new guy when you are essentially emotionally unavailable to him. Behaving just like a drug addict, withdrawing from the fix. Thanks for your well thought out post. Our gut, our minds, and even our hearts may be signalling that we should leave things alone and apply what weve learned into moving forward but then our inner critic pipes up with, Dont be a heartless beep beep! Its important that you listen to your gut. endstream
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<. And awareness. Not forgiving the person who wronged you is the essence of holding a grudge. And dont feel guilty about it. In practical terms, though, I found that when I was getting tied up in knots about it in prayer and so on, it helped to say Please forgive them on my behalf, because I cant and then leave it. I wish I didnt have to keep the distance up, and I think if there is forgiveness that ever needed to happen, I do forgive. React Reply zeroth88 Follow Xper 5 Age: 34 , mho 82% +1 y Yesterday I had watched this ridiculous episode where the girl was trying sooo hard to get one of the nerds to sleep with him, and I just kept thinking, WHY? , Revolution- Thanks for your understanding and patience with me as well. So that I may gain some insight which could help me in the future. It's a wound that's barely healed. Until you may not have a choice but to stop. Well, I dont know if his red flags are as red as my exs so maybe Im not really seeing red Oh, you are seeing red and he even told you very directly that he has red flags. So I couldnt. No, no theological debate going on, just seeking understanding of what the other person means. , look Im better than you because Ive forgiven you, you lowlife. I comprehend her disorders, but I also know that she is very intelligent. He is capable of seeking attention and some uncommitted sex. We got back together after the second break up and now he doesnt want a committed relationship and we broke up again-this time I with him as his behavior was so HURTFUL. Yet, He forgives. You will be taking two steps backwards and questioning everything you may say in the text, email etc. Accessed Nov. 2, 2022. When I got older I realized I didnt have to take her crap anymore. Took a few years mind. It takes skill and practice to get good at that, I believe.
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